A Letter to the Man Who Never Loved Me

from  

October 02, 2016

I didn’t want casual.

I wanted love.

 

I wanted to fall
To throw caution to the wind
To lose all logic and control.

I wanted you to take me
I wanted you to claim my heart
I wanted you to enter me and make me blossom
I wanted you to fuck me open to God.

But I was scared
I was scared that made me crazy and needy
I was scared that if I were honest you wouldn’t want me
I was scared of the depth of my yearning.
I was scared of being “one of those girls” who deep down we both know I am
I was scared of losing you
I was scared of losing myself.

So I pretended to want less
I pretended to be less
Consequently I began to believe I deserved less
I consistently received and accepted less
I tried to be heart less
But I didn’t ever want less and it didn’t ever hurt less.

And I’ve spent so many years blaming myself for that
Feeling unworthy in that
Feeling humiliated for that
Trying to be stronger than that
Blaming you for not giving me more than that
Making one of us big and one of us small depending on the breath.

But that never freed me from my desire for you
Nor did it ever bring me the love that I’ve wanted so desperately from you
It never brought me that love from someone new
It only made me smaller
It only built me more armor.

Honestly, I chose men knowing they couldn’t give me what I want
Cause with them I’d never have to give up what I’ve got
With them it’s clear that love doesn’t stand a shot
But beneath all my masks I’m still destroyed and distraught.

Finally, I’ve had enough
Cause the shells I hide in hurt more than the deepest heart crush
And I’m so tired of this habitual mistrust.

Im ready to call on my courage and set myself free
I’m ready to forgive you without forgetting me
I’m ready to stop blaming you and take full responsibility
I’m ready to admit I never gave myself freely
I never gave more than the lovelack you gave me.

I won’t forget all the things that you taught me
I won’t forget how much you showed me how to love me
I won’t forget how much direction and drive you gave me
I won’t forget how much this heartbreak has offered me
Though as much as I learned, I want to live more expansively
I don’t want to give up on the hope that another man could love me.

I may have become my own knight and shining armor
But I want a man whose love will plunge me farther
I want a man whose love will rock me harder
I want a man whose love will break me wide open.
Even though that scares me.

Rather than diminish my impractical lovelust
I’ll let it rise up from deep in my gut
I will admit my wish to be taken
I will let my deep longing awaken.

I will allow my innocent hope to conspire
And dream of a man who lights my animal angel fire
Who wants to know every facet of my feminine desire
Who wants to get drunk off my sweet juicy nectar
Who wants to unpeel every layer of my delicious flower
Who wants to love my heart in all of its delicate power.

A man who can stand strong in my insanity
Who will journey into the depths of me
Who honors me faithfully
Who absofuckinglutely adores me
Who ravishes me to eternity
Whose love brings me closer to the source of divinity
Who will receive the light of love that dwells within me
Who has the power to light the way for all of humanity
A man worthy of my womanly integrity.

I want that.

I don’t want anything less than that
I don’t want anything less than a man who loves me like that
I don’t want anything less than a man who loves me with his whole heart
I don’t want anything less than my whole heart
And I didn’t want anything less than yours.

Whether it lasts for a moment or for an entire lifetime
I don’t want anything less than love.

Whether or not I ever get that
Whether or not I believe a man can ever offer me that
Whether or not I always believe that I am worthy of that

I must know that I am worthy of wanting that
I am worthy of standing for that
I am worthy of opening to that
I am worthy of yearning for that
I am worthy of accepting nothing less than that.

And if I truly want to have that
I know I must learn how to give that
I must learn how to open to that
I must learn how to love like that.

Because I always attract a man who meets me exactly where I’m at
I attract a man who reflects where my heart still needs to crack
Which means you and I were the same in fact
Even if I always loved you and you never loved me back.

As much as it hurts to say this
As much as it hurts to let you go
I’ve got to finally release you
this I truly know.

So I will simply bless you
With the love I so desire
May you find a woman
Who sets your soul on fire.

May you find a woman
To love like I love you
May you find a woman
Who loves you like I wish you loved me.

May I find peace in knowing
There’s a man who will love me too
May I finally find peace in knowing
He’s just never going to be you.